Okay so I've made this Blog because I put a note up on Facebook about how I reckon the military is unnecessary, and all my friends now hate me for having an opinion. It's not too cool among Aussie youth to write about stuff which could offend others. Anyway, to avoid kicking up another shit-storm I'm here.
Here's some thought on drugs and other things that help you get totally wasted.
1) If you really, desperately must get blitzed, you can't go past battery acid injected into the base of your brain. It'll kill you quicker than a .50 bullet to the face. Don't do it at home. Don't do it anywhere.
2) Heroin, aka smack, is sold in little plastic bags of white powder. It's retailed by nervous, sweaty, bad-smelling losers who can't help scratching themselves. Many affluent, hip, middle-class folks have procured a recreational, manageable and affordable relationship with this drug, thus acquiring for themselves an existential-Cold-War-era-Berlin-style cool. Many other affluent, hip, middle-class folks have tried the same trick only to end up addicted and morph into nervous, sweaty, bad-smelling losers who can't help scartching themselves. It's like Russian Roulette: a fantastic rush, but occaisonally you wake up dead the next morning.
3) Speed, or amphetamine, is the little brother of heroin. Speed freaks smell funny and have been known to exacerbatee their odour problems by dressing in "protective material" such as full rubber wetsuits when in the grip of a really awful delusion. On the upside, without these little pills our trucking industry would collapse, student newspapers would never get published and it would become really difficult to get through that week-long Simpsons marathon on Foxtel.
4) Less imediately devestating to your health are methamphetamines, which are often labelled under the umbrella term ecstacy. Part stimulant and part hallucinogen, this curious bunch of drugs were originally developed by the Nazis as marriage-counselling tools. Why Nazi Germany then tried to ensalve Europe instead of giving them a big hug and maybe a little dry-humping action on the leg is beyond me. "Eccies" seems to induce people to wear stupid hats, which then prevents body heat from escaping via the top of the head. Often enough this can kill you quicker than the drug itself.
5) At $200 a gram, cocaine is very much the Italian sports car of drugs. Have too much, and indeed, your life will come to resemble a lot of Italian sports cars driven around by crazy Italians, all of them fanging around at 300 miles an hour, paying no attention to anyone else, to road rules or even to the basic laws of physics. Basically, cocaine is God's way of telling you that you have too much money.
6)LSD/acid is the most benign of the really potent drugs. The choice of '60s hippies, it is making a comeback after 20 years in the unfashionable cabinet. What you get out of acid depends largely on what you put in: control freaks need not apply. A bad trip will transform happy-lopsided hallucinations into snapping gilla monsters from which you can't escape, and you'll probably break some bones trying to do so. But you might get to see people talk in rainbows instead of words, and rather than striking the hour, the town clock might jump through the window and tap out the time on the side of your head.
7) Marijuana, or dope, is different from other drugs in that the police don't care too much. In Adelaide you can grow your own, provided you don't push your luck with a 5000 plant crop in the Riverlands, protected by gun-toting bikies and hidden pits with sharpened bamboo stakes. In Perth its technically against the law, but the law has officially been told by the Government to find something better to do in its spare time other than shaking down befuddled hipsters for a few doobies at the Big Day Out. If you have an underlying mental illness, weed will certainly bring it to the fore. Not that you'll care, lying there, whacked off your nut as the giants bats swoop down, bringing with them the headache that ate Rottnest.
Thanks for reading. Hope you're doing better than the stock market.
